Social Graces Perfected
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A Matter Of Manners - How does one appropriately deal with the popularity and offense of the money tree and requests for donations or contributions to special occasions?

Stories abound from those irate about being asked to make one or more contributions to a special event.

The list of events for which we can celebrate or honor someone is endless and for most celebrations, a gift is expected, but all too often money is solicited either in lieu of or in addition to that gift.

For the giver who has already purchased a gift, requests for money to help balance the cost of planning an event often places an additional financial burden on the giver.

Some folks have been intimidated into giving money, especially in the presence of others. The solicitor does not relent until money is plopped into an envelope or basket that is being passed around a room. And anyway, it's only a little bit. However, little bits add up to lots.

The office luncheon may be yet another celebration on the long list of honors bestowed upon a recipient, and can be an additional expense since everyone is expected to participate. Justified by the need for fun and frivolity, an office luncheon designed to celebrate someone else's happy event can expand a person's budget for that occasion far beyond what was planned.

The question asked most often is, "How did this happen?"

It happened because when issues such as this arise we yield to what someone else thinks is acceptable because so many of us do not know what is appropriate or how to appropriately respond.

Knowing a few accepted rules of etiquette about these issues can help reduce overspending and free one from the burden of obligation.

If a friendship between two people is close enough that it justifies an invitation to a special event that honors that friend, it is expected that a gift be given. However, outside of situations to which everyone agrees between close-knit family and friends, or beyond a long- or short-term loan or charitable donation for the underprivileged or someone struck by tragedy, it is never acceptable to ask anyone for money.

There are two significant areas where the offense is extremely high. First, facing the money tree or the basket or envelope at the office that is passed in a manner that leaves a person no way to decline the request to give without causing him or her personal embarrassment.

Secondly, outside the office, feelings of obligation and embarrassment abound further when an invitee learns of a money tree only after arriving at a party with a gift in hand and finds they must stand in line to feed the money tree.

Other invitations openly ask for money. The primary example is the invitation to Mom and Dad's 50th wedding anniversary. The children want to send Mom and Dad away on that special trip they have always wanted but could never afford. Maybe the guests will pay their way.

I am sorry folks, but it is never proper to ask someone else for money except under the conditions outlined above.

Several etiquette gurus maintain that asking for money is beyond tacky and specifically money trees are not a part of proper etiquette. Unsolicited money may be given as a wedding gift if the person giving knows that the couple being married would welcome money.

In very intimate relationships, it is acceptable to ask for contributions to help pay for a gift that would cost more than one person could spend. However, should the giver decline the request to give, that is his prerogative and he should not be criticized for his choice.

It is always best to remember that most people like the freedom to make their own choices in gift-giving and certainly would like the freedom to set the budget that is right for them.

Giving or not giving is one of our freedoms and we should never feel obligated or coerced into contributing when we feel it is inappropriate or uncomfortable.

Kathleen Dryden is a Certified Etiquette Instructor and Certified Wedding Specialist in Jackson, Wyoming She can be reached at 307-734-8718 or at kathleen@socialgracesperfected.com. or kathleen@weddingspropassione.com